I’ve spent YEARS planning, trying to figure a way out, a way to the next step or the next level.

I’ve strangled the life out of planners and notebooks, calculated every penny, scheduled every minute, I’ve gone to the EXTREME

And done none of it.

I’ve leashed myself into routines and structure, plans and schedules

They don’t work (for me)

This type of living works for the Analytical people among us.

Something I’ve never been

My school reports, even the earliest, said “Debbie is a dreamer”

Every year, every report, every parents evening… “If Debbie could just knuckle down and stick to the plan, she’ll get far”

Debbie doesn’t like the plan.  (That’s enough of the third person)

Here’s the thing… “Debbie is a dreamer”… I dream, I drift off into my own imaginary worlds, and situations.

I dreamt of owning a specific car.. then I got it (then I did it again a few years later)

I didn’t plan how to get there

I dreamt of living on a certain street… in a 2 bedroom apartment… then it happened.

It went from “idea” that I’d chat about with friends, to a reality when I needed it.

I never planned those things.

I loved Minis and wanted to learn to drive… a few months later a new neighbour moved in, he was a driving instructor… his car; a mini.

I would drive around a new estate watching the houses and flats being built “It’d be nice if I could get a 2 bedroom flat up here” a couple of years later, I needed to move… I got the 2 bedroom flat on that street.

When I’ve PLANNED things, they’ve backfired… I want to get out of debt in a year, I write a plan, my debts increase… something goes tits up and I have to loan money from somewhere to bail myself out.

I want to save money, and end up paying for some unexpected bill. (Or signing up for something new)

I want to grow my business, so invest time and money into learning methods and blueprints, I plan, I strategise, I overwhelm myself, make myself ill, then end up eating a tub of Ben and Jerrys on a Friday night watching a movie feeling like crap because there goes another week I didn’t make progress

The plans and overthinking don’t feel right.

They don’t help me.

They show me a map of what could be, and ultimately I realise I don’t like that destination.

I don’t like that path.. the one that’s laid out in front of me, tried and true, working for everyone else.

I stay, stuck.  I hold myself back because of an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, a voice in the back of my mind saying “this isn’t you… not really”

That voice gets twisted, the more people I listen to, the more twisted it gets.

“This isn’t you” no longer means “this isn’t your path”

“This isn’t you” becomes “you’re not going to be successful” “you’re not going to have enough money” “You’re just lazy and afraid of doing the work”

I couldn’t give a shit about “doing the work”

I give a shit about me, about what feels right.

I have a compass inside me that keeps me on MY path, doing what feels right to me. If it screams “NO!” I listen.  I stop.

But so far, I haven’t trusted myself.

I haven’t trusted the compass to point the other way.

I’ve held onto a belief that it should be hard, that I should only follow a path already written.

I should follow in other peoples footsteps.

Well, we all know, those who make the biggest impact are those who do what no one else has done before.

The people who carved out their own path, who wrote their own rules… the ones who dared… to dream.

They’re dreamers, just like me.  Not followers of some prewritten path.

So instead of planning and strategising my way through life, picking at what I should change, how I should change, telling myself “No” when I come up with some out of the box idea, that those around me can’t get on board with, and holding myself down, I’m going to start going with the flow of things.

Following my instincts and my urges, deciding what I want, and then going about my day.

I’m not going to waste my time trying to figure out how I’m going to get there.

I’m just going to get there.

I have a list of things I’m “not supposed to do in my situation”.  Things I do anyway. Like go for coffees in expensive coffee shops, and sacking off the plan to watch TV

I have a list of things I’m “supposed to do” in my situation…  things like hustle 80 hours, not take time off, always strive for more, never settle, push through…

It’s funny how “execute” has two meanings… to carry out the plan, or to kill someone…

I’d rather live and let live.

I’m going to keep doing what I want to do, and trust that eventually I’ll get what I want.

Because I’m a dreamer… and if I’ve learned anything so far in this life, it’s that I always get what I want.

In one way or another, it will come to me.

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