I’m making a change.
Up until this point, I’ve been doing it wrong.
I’ve been one hand on the wheel, waiting for people to give me permission to do what I want, what I need.
It’s an old habit, one that’s took a long time to recognise and learn from… move on from.
I first wrote about it in a journal in March 2018, and it’s been a recurring theme since then.
I want to say no.
I want to do MY thing.
I want to stay home, go out, live my life in the way that feels right to me at any given moment, but instead I’ve been pulled, torn, twisted
Pulled in every direction as I try to be there and do everything for everyone
Torn between being the good Mother, Daughter, Granddaughter, Friend, all the things…
Twisted up inside because I don’t feel right. I don’t feel comfortable.
I’m angry and conflicted, upset and guilty. They’re not a good combination of traits to be feeling at all, never mind all at once.
This is why boundaries are important.
When you have boundaries, set in stone, no matter how “harsh” they may appear (especially if they’re new), they can appear to be “unfair” to those around you…
But here’s the thing… when you have boundaries in place, you control your life, and everyone in your life will know their place.
It’s safety, security.
Everyone in your life will know where they stand, and they’ll start to feel safe in that knowledge.
It just makes easier life all around.
People are needy creatures.
We all want to feel safe and secure, we want to know that we’re doing the right thing, even if we’re loners, we like to know there are people who are there for us and who we can turn to in a moments notice, and if they’re not there immediately, when will they be there.
It’s trying to be all the things to all the people, and trying to put everyone else’s needs ahead of your own that causes those shitty feelings you’re battling with every day.
Feeling stressed, run ragged, not knowing when or how to switch off.
Feeling guilty for taking time out for yourself, and doing what you need in order to enjoy your life.
Feeling like you owe it to everyone else to put yourself last.
People get “needy” when they feel they’re lacking or missing out. They want justification for their actions, they don’t want to be forgotten. They don’t want to feel like they’re missing out.
People need to feel important.
Unfortunately, sometimes that gets skewed. They feel like they’re only important if you’re on call 24/7, or dedicating a huge portion of your time every day to them.
And the more we allow it to happen, the more we feed their fears. The more we allow their mind monkeys to control, not only them, but us too.
And this is when the problems arise.
This is when they start to become super needy, verging on insufferable. It’s when their neediness starts to push people away, and that in turn makes them more needy… more demanding.
It’s why BOUNDARIES are super fucking important.
This is why when kids are demanding cake, we tell them they can’t have it right now, but they can have a piece after dinner.
Or like when you send a small child up to bed and they stand screaming, you tell them you’ll check on them in 5 minutes, then 10, and you keep doing that until they’re calm and they’re asleep…
It’s a boundary.
Something we forget to do with other people, especially with adults, because we figure they already get it. They understand. They don’t.
They don’t, because they haven’t been told/taught what to expect.
They haven’t been given the security of knowing that just because you’re not available right there and then doesn’t mean that you won’t be available at any point later in the day, or the week.
It’s their subconscious way of making sure they’re still being remembered, and it more than likely stems from an insecurity in their childhood (I will put money on it, because that’s definitely what it is)
It’s up to you to set the tone.
You need to put rules in place; boundaries.
You need to make sure that things will happen, but it might not be instantly.
Most importantly; you need to do this for yourself!
To maintain your health; physical and emotional.
To help the relationship, so you don’t end up resenting each other.
To protect every other area of your life – your work, relationships, family life, home. All of it, it all comes down to boundaries.
Remember: this is not to be mean, or heartless (even if that’s what you get accused of)
This is ALL about RESPECT
First and foremost; respecting yourself. Your needs, your wants, your desires.
You can’t put off what you want in your life for the benefit of other people, because they’re not doing it (although they may try to argue that’s exactly what they’re doing)
Then, it’s about respecting those around you; their need for reassurance. Their need to feel loved, to trust, to be/feel secure. To know how they fit into your little world now they’re not the centre of it.
Sometimes these things aren’t easy, and some people will resist.
It’s their issue, but you must be strong enough to stick to your guns about this.
Stand by your decision, and those that are worth the time in your life will start to understand,
The ones who don’t will leave (probably with added dramatic flair)
This is just one part of your life, but the same principle applies to all areas.
Decide what you’re willing to put up with, and set a boundary around it.
Whether it’s what you eat, how you live, where you live, how you spend your time, who you spend it with, what you do at work/home/play, how you expect to be treated and how you treat others, etc…
It might seem like a huge effort to start with, especially as you come up against resistance from yourself and those around you, but in the longer term, it will make your life a whole lot easier.