There’s a realisation that so many people will probably never have.

Boredom and depression can feel much the same when you read into depression and how it feels, and if you allow yourself to be bored long enough, you’ll probably start to believe that you’re depressed too.

Like it’s something you can’t fix, can’t handle, can’t get through on your own without meds and shrinks and all the other stuff that’s recommended.

Sometimes the best cognitive behavioural therapy have nothing to do with CBT, it has everything to do with getting off your ass and actually doing something.

shock! horror! OMG! 😱

It’s all about sitting stagnant, still and bored for too long, something we’re all well versed in doing for the past year or so… especially with prolonged on again off again lockdowns and restrictions in place.

Just be done with it already!

Except no, it’s not so easy to “just be done with it” when there’s a pandemic going on, especially one that’s been handled about as well as an AA meeting in a pub.

But that’s no reason to allow boredom to sit in, except it does, and it creeps in slowly but surely over time. Especially when you spend so much of your time on the lookout for others…

Kids that are bored, and can’t entertain themselves, or don’t know how. The ones who refuse to try and demand attention all day every day because they’re bored too, and it’s a shitstorming boredom cycle where you do personally unfulfilling things in order to keep everyone else going and fall further into your own boredom and restless cycle.

I fell into it, I’ve been wallowing in the depths of my own unfulfilled boredom cycle for weeks now, months probably… always having to be “on” for others, to quell their pain, their boredom, their lack of doing. Their wants, their whims, their needs…

I’ve taken a backseat when it comes to my own wants and needs and what my soul needs to be switched on, lit up and happy.

I didn’t recognise it at first, it was just endless days of someone else’s games, music, wants, needs and expectations. It’s led to arguments, battles and locking myself in a room, switching off the phone and demanding to be left alone, because I couldn’t handle one more minute of myself being needed or wanted by someone else.

I needed my body for myself, not to be touched by anyone else, or for their comfort.
I needed my mind for myself, not to think of something for someone else who could probably think of something for themselves if they actually tried.
I needed my energy to rest, and pull away from the drain of being constantly used by someone else.
I needed my attention to focus on me; my wants, my needs. Just ME.

Yes, it spiralled out of control, caused pain and upset. Harsh words have been said in harsh tones, and as much as I should regret it, I can’t bring myself to.

I don’t care.
I’ve been passed caring for a while now.

And it’s not because I’m a raging selfish bitch, no, it’s because I’ve given beyond the point of giving. I gave so much of myself in the hope that sooner or later someone would notice that I needed something for myself, and it didn’t happen. (Old habits)

I gave and gave, and they took and took, and yet still, when there was nothing left, they demanded even more.

And I’m done.
I’m over it.

It’s my own fault, and now I’ve found the cure – MY choice in music, a feel-good playlist blasting to the heavens, yet not quite eardrum bursting loud, flow, movement of my own choosing, a coffee in silence, my body and mind not being grabbed at or pulled on by someone else. Not needing to speak, not needing to do anything except what I want, and here I am; writing after months of nothing.

Not because I have to… far from it, it’s because I want to.
I’ve always wanted to, but now I have the mental freedom to actually do it.

Today I feel so much lighter than I have for months.

Today I’ve learned more of what I need, and what I need to work on.

My depression hasn’t been depression… it’s been boredom, and a desperate need to just be me, without distraction or interruption.

And man, does it feel good.

I feel like I’ve tapped into an energy I haven’t been able to access for so long, something I thought was lost to me. But here it is, and I’m going to use it up, protect it, and find my own pattern to access this more often.

This is what life feels like.

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