I went and forgot who I damn well was.
Who I damn well AM.
Y’know how I know that?
Because I’ve been quiet; holding back, not saying things for fear of offending, or upsetting someone.
Allowing them to believe that they’re superior, or have the upper hand in some way, all the ways that are so basic to me on so many levels.
Hearing (reading, as we do so much nowadays) people shouting about this “thing” that they’ve unearthed, this process that they’ve developed/uncovered/learned… all stuff that I’ve known all along and thought was some kind of given – common sense.
I’ve been dumbing myself down enough to believe that they know something different to me, better than me, I have notebooks upon notebooks, pages filled with the same things written in different ways, all far more complicated than they need to be as they’ve been “broken down” and put into “processes”… one tiny little step at a time. None of which needs to be a tiny little step – there’s a simplification, dumbing down, then straight up condescension with a price tag.
I do it myself, I use simpler words, dumb down what I’m saying, change my phrasing, all to be “better understood” by people. That’s condescending as fuck, but a habit I learned a long time ago when words I was using were greeted by blank stares, and “ooh, check you and your long fancy words”. It’s almost as though I felt guilty for using them, so I didn’t. I thought I was doing the world, doing myself, a favour – erm, no.
I’ve literally had people “call me out” for thinking I’m smart because I know a few long words. I felt bad about it.
Then I realised the people who were “calling me out” barely string a sentence together properly. They used my use of language to try and shame me, make me feel small like I was making up for something… The words I use are by no means a reaction to an inferiority complex. However, they do apparently trigger some people.
Here’s the thing: I am fucking smart. I do know my shit, and I use long words like “platitudinous” at the drop of a hat, even while drunk, and I use it well.
A lot of people can’t handle that.
They also can’t handle someone (me) knowing what I want, knowing what I’m owed, what’s due, and then making sure I damn well get it.
I’m not entirely sure why, maybe it’s their superiority complex kicking in or something…
So instead of just handling it, they push it back with some condescension masked with “caring” – I see straight through your bullshit. That’s another skill I’ve been hiding.
Turns out, I’ve spent so long trying to “fit in” that I’ve all but committed non-lethal suicide.
They type that kills you on a personal, emotional level, but not physical. All for what, being too loud? opinionated? pushy? aggressive? adamant? demanding?
“Just sit down and be quiet little girl, you’ll get your turn.”
No, I won’t.
Because the longer I “sit down” (like I have been doing) the longer I’ll wait for my turn.
No one will give it to me.
Hell, I’m not even a “little girl” anymore.
So why was I still sitting down and waiting for my turn?
Oh… to appease others, to allow them their time… all the while waiting for my time.
Here’s one for you – how many times have you been in a room with people and thought “Shit, I could do better than this?”
I’ve done it a lot. For the most part, it was OK, but then I started to pay to be in those situations – what kind of dumb fuckery is that?
Oh, swearing is a sign of low intelligence and vocabulary apparently… well, it’s succinct and most people get the point pretty quickly. It’s like sarcasm (I’m fluent in that too) but unfortunately, a lot of people misread sarcasm, what a shame.
It’s kinda like people now being unable to read a text without emojis to understand the tone… anyway, off-topic…
It’s about remembering who you damn well are… that’s all life is.
That’s why we’re wandering around all miserable and shit.
Because we’re dumbing ourselves down, letting people walk all over us, have their way then leave.
We’re allowing them to be who they are at our own expense and wondering what the hell is going on and what the fuck happened.
We’re playing the acceptance game; I’ll let you be who you are, if by doing so you’ll accept me, then I can be who I am.
Only it doesn’t work that way, because as soon as you start being who you really are, they don’t like it.
BECAUSE NOW YOU’RE NOT WHO THEY WANT YOU TO BE!
You’re no longer the sheep, the follower, the “yes (wo)man”, the butt of the jokes, the one at the bottom of the pile.
You’re none of those things!
You’re not supposed to be
BECAUSE YOU NEVER FUCKING WERE!!
You pretended to be,
tried to be,
but let’s be honest… it’s all bullshit.
It’s when laughing at yourself isn’t funny anymore.
It’s all a laugh, sure; you’re laughing, they’re laughing, but it’s not funny. Not to you.
Now, it’s painful. The laughter just hides all the insecurity and “what the fuck?” going on in your mind.
It’s what you do because if you didn’t you’d be crying.
So why are you letting it be that way?
Why are you still playing their games?
Why are you still letting them make the rules in your life?
What are you so damn afraid of?
On your own terms?
By your rules?
By doing things your way?
Scared of losing people?
The people who make you feel like shit?
Do you know how ridiculous that is?
What you’re doing to yourself?
Because it’s not about them anymore.
Now it’s about you…
You’re allowing this, you’re playing into their games, you’re putting yourself into this situation.
Fed up with it? Change it.
It’s time to WAKE THE FUCK UP!
I did, it’s oh so strange, it feels like I’m in a different world, but d’ya know what?
It’s fuckin awesome, it’s amazing, and cutting out all the crap that I’ve been allowing, been “dealing with” like it was some kind of requirement, not an option… well, that’s dead weight right there, the more of that you let go of the better it will be – for you. Cos let’s face it, who’s REALLY important?
Who are you REALLY going to be living with every day of your life?
Cos it sure as hell ain’t them, it’s not even your kids, or your parents, or even your partner (if you have one). Nope. Just you… You and you alone are the only person you will live with every day, and if you’re going to bed feeling sad, alone, underwhelmed, dissatisfied – like all the laughing just isn’t funny any more, then babe, you’re only letting yourself down.
Yeah, it’s gonna hurt for a bit when you start to clear that slate.
It’s scary as fuck, especially when this is how you’ve lived and what you’ve known for as long as you can remember… but c’mon, you know it’s not worth it, right? Not really…
Do me a favour… just one.
Forget who you were being, stop trying to figure out who you are, stop with the pretending, and decide who REALLY are; everything about you. From how you stand, to how you talk to people, what you talk about, how you talk about things, and for the love of God (if you believe in God) STOP PRETENDING TO BE WHO YOU’RE NOT!
You know where I am…
I get it. We’ve all been there, so let’s sort this shit out
It sucks, right?
That shitty low feeling where you just feel down, deflated, pissed off with the world for no reason, and you’ve just had enough.
You’re not particularly angry, or sad, or maybe you are, maybe you’re just feeling “ugh!” (yes, that’s a real feeling) that kinda nothingness where you know something’s up, but you’re not quite sure what.
Well, how about we get right in there and sort that shit out?
This is my personal 5-Step Reset that I go through to get me from Feelin’ Like Shit to Rockin’ It!
I’m not saying it’ll be fun n easy, there’s no magic cure, but this works, every time.
I come back to this all the time, and I’ve shared it with my closest friends when they’re having a shitty day (or a week, or month, or however long) and it works for them too…
So how about it, are you done feelin’ like shit? Are you ready? Let’s go
Drop your details into the form, and I’m gonna send you over a quick audio that talks you through the 5 steps I take, that are going to help you go from
Feelin’ Like Shit to Rockin’ It!