Confession – I’ve never been fully invested in anything

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In order to be really successful at anything in life, you need to be committed and invested. 

Invested in the end result, invested even when you don’t see the outcome right away.  You have to be committed to do the work, without the instant results.  Day in, day out… consistently. 

As much as it pains me to admit it, I’ve never really been fully invested or committed to much in my life.

I’m flaky.  I quit.  I give in. 

Sounds bad… in fact, it sounds worse than it is. 

But it explains a lot!

As a child I had plenty of hobbies.  I played various instruments and had figure skating lessons for years!  Figure skating lasted longer than the instruments, but it still fell through the cracks. 
I got to Grade 6 
After a few injuries, I gave in.
“I’m not gonna be a pro skater anyway, so what does it matter?” 

I also have a few certificates from years playing the keyboard, some more from playing the flute… all these hobbies went the same way.  I’d do a few grades, get a few certificates, each grade a slightly lower grade/score than the one before… then I’d call it a day and leave it behind and never pick it up again. 

I haven’t played a keyboard or picked up a flute since the last lesson.  I haven’t stepped on Ice since I was 17… I have fond memories of being on the ice, but I’m not rushing back. 

When asked “What do you want to be when you grow up?”   I had a different answer every time.  I had no idea.

I was a ‘good student’ on paper – I had plenty of good grades. School was easy.  But my school reports all had a theme from Day one – 
Debbie would excel even more if she just put some more effort in. 
Debbie does the bare minimum, but still does well. 
Debbie leaves homework to the last minute, and with a little more time, she’d show more improvements. 
Debbie gets bored easily.

I was a Straight A student, yet they still wanted me to do more?  No thanks. 

My high school science teacher wrote a sign for my space “Debbie, will you do some more work, please?” He laminated it. I wrote “No thanks” on the bottom… I’d done the work. I knew the stuff.  Doing more work wouldn’t improve my grade.  

I wasn’t that interested in Science anyway.  I did what I needed, got a good grade and moved on. 

For years, I’ve had no focus other than what was expected – school, college, work, university. 

I felt bad for leaving college early and not going to university, so I went back at 25 to tick the boxes… then quit again!

If you don’t have a focus, how do you get invested? 

With the things I’ve done, I’ve felt OK about it, or realised that I just don’t want that for/in my life. 

I’ve eliminated so much from my life that doesn’t light me up, I’m left wondering what the heck there is for me to get excited about?

I’m so used to finding what I don’t want, that my only thoughts were “this should not be my life!” I know I want more… but what is more?

When the question is “What do you want?” And the only answer is “not this”, there’s a problem. 

I’ve never been passionate about anything I’ve done. 

So now the challenge is on – It’s time to get invested. 

For the time being, that focus is becoming my best self… all the things I want to be, should be, but have been too scared to embrace.

If I’m honest, it has been for the past decade – knowing my mental health was failing, feeling completely useless at life, feeling so depressed and suicidal having convinced myself the best thing for everyone in my life (including my toddler) was for me to not be here, I knew I needed to change. 

And that’s where I am now. 

And having acknowledged this is powerful. 

I no longer feel guilty about focusing on me instead of a ‘job’. 

By focusing on myself, I will have more strength to follow the things I want to pursue – things I’m always telling myself I’m not ready for; not qualified; incompetent.  All the ‘imposter syndrome’ that I currently allow to hold me back, will be diminished because I will be focusing on myself first. 

So, for the first time in my life; I’m invested. 

I’m invested in myself.  Invested on becoming the best version of myself, that aligns with the vision I have of who I want to be. 

And now I’m invested in becoming the best version of me there has ever been, I’m committed to doing whatever it will take in order to move forward. 

So here’s to the future.  And Here’s to me.

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