I always think birthdays are funny, people freak out going “OMG! I’m xx years old!” Not realising they’re hitting that age after living that year. (No one is born at 1!)

So I’m reflecting on what I’ve learned in 32 years on this earth, it’s becoming a ritual of sorts… and here’s my biggest takeaway…

I haven’t failed enough.

That was a shock to me because my biggest fear is actually success.
I’m a pro at failing, I’ve done it a lot and for a long time… it was something I learned in my teenage years to keep people off my back and keep myself hidden from the spotlight.

There are different types of failure…

The failure where you do your best, try hard and don’t quite make it, or it blows up and burns down… this is the painful failure that people fear.

Then there’s the failure from never really trying. Playing small, holding yourself back, letting everyone else in life surpass you… this one doesn’t really hurt as much. You’ve put nothing on the line, so you can’t lose. You never show your true colours in all their full glory… never really going beyond OK and minimal effort. Failing by staying ‘safe’

This is the failure I’m guilty of. 

I’ve purposely led myself to play small. To hold back. To never really ‘go for it’.

I spend so long reading stories online of people who spend so much of their lives working their asses off, hustling to survive, multiple jobs, side hustles and 9-5s… being so ridiculously tight in their lives because “failure’s not an option” and they desperately want more for themselves and their families… so they push themselves to the limits, even burnout, for their 10k months, big launches, fully booked diaries, 6-figure years and so on… I always feel a pang of disappointment when I read them. Not at them… at myself.

For not being brave enough to go ‘all in’ on my own dream. For not pushing myself to breaking point, and living up to my biggest potential. For wasting my energy by letting it fade away instead of pushing through when it’s here…

I know what I’m capable of.
Those around me know what I’m capable of.
I’m scared of what I’m capable of achieving.
But it’s time.
It’s time for me to go ‘all in’
Push harder and further than I have before.
Do more of what I really want to do.
What I’m MADE to do.

It’s time for me to FAIL more.

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